Losing the Fear of Meat

I don't know how much I'll be able to write in the next few days... My free day is Thursday and it feels like it will never get here.

I am really, really struggling to sleep at night. I keep getting up and looking at my clock and its usually 4:30-50 zone AM. It isn't people partying above me or anything like that, it is just me and my tossing and turning and trying to get myself to pass out. Yesterday was my first day of the new shift time. Show up at 7:45 work till 1 then come back to work at 4:45 and stay till close.Yes you have time to take a little nap in the afternoon... but that little nap doesn't help me now that it is half past 11 and I ain't a bit tired. Normal if I am as tired as I have been lately I knock out once I hit the pillow, but currently..... nope. nada. squat... just me, in bed, unable to sleep or get comfortable. I don't even have anything specific on my mind... it is just aimless wakehood...... and it needs to stop.

The morning shift is annoying since it is the morning… but it actually does go a bit faster since there are 3 breaks. One for breakfast at 8:30, a break at 9:30 or 10 (depending on the job), and lunch at 11. During the breakfast break everyone gathers for a daily meeting on what needs to be done… I twiddle my fingers and try to keep my eyes open since I don’t spraken zie dueche… Lunch comes all too soon and I am not really hungry but if I don’t eat, by 12 the stomach will be protesting in the middle of more onion chopping. So I eat… Go back… Finally finish the work of the day.

I am not a pretty sight in the morning.... oh but especially this morning. I opened my eyes right after getting into bed and "bam!" it was 7. Brutal. I was dressed in minutes and zombied my way down the hill. Even the Alps didn't have their usual effect on me... They were just tall pieces of rock and I wanted my bed. I sounded like a man when I could clear my throat enough to talk... Everyone looked at me like I had risen from the dead or something.... "You look tired today." "Why aren't you smiling?" Delightful questions like that to remind me: 1) How tired I was and 2) How crummy I look. It did does wonders for your self esteem... But self esteem aside, I finally got a start to my morning with 3 large pieces of cold meat. Imagine my joy.

I couldn't feel my fingers after 5 minutes but yesterday I had to trim and prep 25 veal tenderloins. Veal is much easier to visualize than beef. At first I was nervous but after some analyzing and repositioning I got the work done and when finished the chef gave me an impressed facial reaction... It felt good to know where to put my knife and the direction I was supposed to be headed. Yay for not sucking and yay for impressing the chef by not sucking :) the next job was to trim up a beef roast some fish prep, some cleaning then onto the bloodless work of chopping onions into a lovely brunoise.... AKA fine dice.

            One of my greatest pet peeves in the kitchen: someone showing me how to chop onions. I’ve had 4 people show me their methods so far, and today I got to see two more. There are several ways and several knife maneuvering options. I happen to have a very long chef knife and like to use two different knifes to get a good fine dice. The proof is in my results and I think I do a pretty good job of it. During my preferred method one chef looked at me like I was crazy and told me to only use the chef knife... Okay. Fine. So I use only my chef knife to awkwardly get through what my pairing knife would have done in a 3rd of the time. Whatever... But side note my chef knife is not the "sharpest one in the drawer" and feels very uncomfortable (I have a blister to prove it). I am well aware of this fact and though I had someone sharpen it the other day it is in worse shap than I brought it in… I did not want to risk messing it up even more.. SO… because my chef knife is not at its best I must slightly saw the onion.. instead of slicing it like butter… Another chef comes by... Another onion chopping demonstration (Me: "Thanks"). But your knife is dull ("No, really??) You should use your steel ("yeah, I did") So I get it out and show him... back to chopping onions. Chef comes back... "sharp knife helps yes?" ("Yeah... if it was sharp...The steel did nothing sir. I need another knife for this job…") Each onion took painfully long, but somehow I finally got my 3 liters worth and cleaned my station to avoid any further onion work.

Around one I had officially lost power. I tried to be of assistance, but there wasn’t much good I could do except stand and blink a lot. Finally I was free to go,had a piece of cake, returned to my room, showered and took the most glorious nap. I was planning on getting up for some coffee and more cake (The german cheese cake of course), but nope, sleep was what I needed and finally able to get.

I woke up a new person, ready to fillet anything… well not quite anything, but you get my drift. Tonight I was given the job of watching the grill / flat top. I don’t slice meat or cut meat or fabricate meat… and I defiantly don’t really cook much meat either. I don’t know my temperature: I just stick my knife in to peek if it is still rare and then eat it. I know I need to learn so I took the challenge with a good warning to my chef, “Just so you know, I don’t really know what I am doing.” Despite my fears, the night went really well. I only overcooked one schnitzel, but that was easily replaced with a new one. Once again it all comes down to flow and timing and I was really happy to be able to keep up (the slowness of the night added to my gradual learning :) ) I’m actually starting to lose my fear of meat. I know I have a lot of work to do, but this alone is incredibly encouraging and I am starting to really enjoy this new station… Though I cant wait for the 1 pm start to come back…it is part of why I came and a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do…